"Lord, in Your mercy hear my prayer..."

"Be careful what you pray for!"

I heard that often as a kid. "Be careful..." they warned.

If I prayed for patience I would get troubles. If I prayed for humility I would be faced with purging. If I prayed that God wouldn't take me to Africa as a missionary He was probably going to make me go out of penance for being so selfish and trying to control my life. Every virtue and good thing, even that which God wanted me to have, couldn't be asked for if I wanted to avoid punishment and/or tribulation.

As a kid, this is who I thought God was. In some ways, I'm still a kid.

The Only Exception

I have seen God answer my prayers for my friends, my students, and my staff. Even though I know for a fact that He has answered prayers from me for my own sake as well, and that He has shown great acts of love, I still fail to believe that He is willing to hear my requests.

I get caught up in the ridiculous notion that God has it out for me. That for some reason I have found it right and good in his eyes that I, apart from all others, should be targeted. This false theology keeps me from praying fully and honestly.

In this false worldview, my words are an open invitation for pain. I, therefore, spend a great deal of time analyzing every thought and every request before I dare present it in prayer.

"This sentence is dancing around the issue and manipulative, and therefore will be punished." "That request is way too self-serving; I'll definitely be met with poverty and destitution."

The god that I believe hears my prayers and responds sadistically and unlovingly is not the God that I have engaged with and served. The god that I think hears me is the false god produced out of the legalistic theology that I was brainwashed with as a child.

He is like the Norse god Loki rather than the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. That isn't Christ at all!

"What father, if his son asked for a fish, would give him a snake?"

Does God lead us to places we don't want to go? Sure, but He isn't sitting there listening to our prayers looking for ways to torment us or rob us of joy and happiness. He isn't analyzing every word and tallying up every sin that our words are rooted in.

He hears us and He sees us as we are and for who we are. His beloved creation. His children.

Yes, there is selfishness and there is pride in me and is sometimes comes out in my prayers, but God loves that I have personality and desires. He wants me to come to Him, as a child to his father; with love, with requests, and with the truth of the soul laid bare.

"Therefore, go boldly into the presence of God..." and do not go walking on eggshells and with the belief that God is a god of mischief.

He is teaching me who he truly is, and he is helping the child in me to come to terms with the truth.

He loves me and he loves it when I pray truthfully and full of desires. 

Compassion Withdrawals

A little over a year ago I wrote a post on "Dealing with Compassion Fatigue", but today I'm here to talk about something equally as challenging...the rehab process. 

Ironically enough, compassion work often becomes an addiction to those involved in it. There are so many that I know who have left residential care just to turn around and run back to it. They love; they crave it. 

"I'm Out!"

Three months ago I left residential knowing that I needed a break. The chronic stress was taking its toll on my heart and the signs all pointed to one single truth: I had poured out all that I could. Though I loved my job, I saw bitterness and anxiety in greater measures than I had ever experienced filling me up, and worse yet it was showing in my interactions and my conversations. I was beyond compassion fatigue. 

On the Road

While I've done a lot of work and I'm rediscovering myself and my passions, I am still a long way out from recovered, but I'm getting there. Thanks be to God. 

The first couple of weeks after I left were freeing and life-giving. I felt the weight of responsibility rise of my shoulders and I was able to reconnect with people that I hadn't been able to. Then it started to hit me...the lack of responsibility moved from being free to feeling a lot like purposelessness. 

I missed my community, I missed my kids that I loved so dearly, and I missed being able to exercise my gifts in a way that was caring and gave life. What made things worse was the knowledge that, in that moment, I wasn't able to just walk right back into it. I wasn't rested, I wasn't healed from the three years of chaos, trauma, and hurt that had accumulated. 

Working it Out

Today, I severely miss my kids. Three in particular rest heavy on my heart and I wish I could spend time with them. I am tempted to think back upon my time with them and list off all the things I did wrong and all the responses I wish I had given to them instead. To wish that I had done better; that I had shown more love while the window of opportunity was still open. 

Instead, I chose to pull up the photos that I had and started rolling through the memories and think upon each one with gratitude.

With tears rolling down my face. I thanked God for every one of those kids and for every precious moment that I had whether it be cooking, listening to music, arguing, or sitting in the mud in the middle of the woods. 

I have tried distraction, meditation, and so many other methods to deal with my sorrow, but this is the only productive means of coping with the withdrawals. Gratitude as a discipline of the mind. It does more than get me through the rough patches. It heals me and it gives me life. 

I will be forever grateful that I got to know them and spend time with them. I cherish the memories that I have of them and I thank God that they are alive, healthy, and clearly growing. It saddens me to no longer be apart of that process, but I'm grateful that they no longer need me to process or face their challenges. 

Now I am free to go and find other ways that God wants me to be active in His world. I can trust Him to take care of my guys. Even better...I can trust Him to take care of me as well and take this time and turn it into something incredible!

"My Dearest Littles..."

The following is a letter to all the students that I had the privilege of knowing during my time at Shelterwood. I hope this makes its way out to each of you. 

My Dearest Littles,

This letter is not addressed to any specific student or group of students. No doubt there were those that I was closer to than others and those I connected well with.

It was a wild ride. If you are reading this letter and went to SW you probably contributed in some way or another. Whether that was running away, breaking things, cussing me (or my Bigs) out, making nasty drawings about SW staff (I kept all those btw! I still get a good laugh out them), or cutting, etc. I don't regret those times, and every dark moment I look back upon with joy. Not because they happened, but because I was graced with being able to walk with you guys through those times.

I imagine it was hard for each of you to be at SW. I tried to express that understanding. I'm sure it didn't always feel like it, but I did my best to love each and every one of you. Reality is that love often feels challenging and harsh, especially in that kind of environment.

For those of you who saw me suffering along side you and loved me in return, I give a special thank you, and to let you know that I haven't forgotten.  I still have the shoes I was given by those who saw I had holes in all of mine. I still have the DVD's, the journals, the little TARDIS, and every
note and thank you letter that I've ever gotten. Thank you for having an impact on my life, and I hope I was able to sufficiently return the affection.

Most of you have gone off to live your lives and are facing new challenges. Most of y'all are doing really well! Some of you are struggling. And that's ok. If you are feeling embarrassed or down on yourself, know that you are still loved. Loved by me, loved by the Gigs you were close to, and loved by God.

You're human and struggle is natural. Don't let that struggle rule over you and fool you into thinking that you can't overcome your problems. You can.

Most of you would have, at one point or another, heard me quote the Count of Monte Cristo. "Life is storm..." I would say. By now you should have a thorough understanding of reality, as well as the knowledge that it doesn't really go away. The storm rages on, and it if it ceases another one arises.

Take a close look at yourself and I guarantee that you will find that you have grown with each passing wave of terror and suffering. Even SW.

Today I miss each and every one of you. I want to apologize for any area that I lacked; for any time I came up short on expressing the love I have for you or where I failed to hear what you had to say. I do not apologize for making you angry or for consequencing you, or sharing a hard truth. Every time I did I did so in love. I swallowed my fear and my selfish desire to not enter confrontation just so that I could make sure that you might grown and find life.

There is not a single one of you that I have forgotten and not a single one of you that I do not continue to pray for.

And this is my prayer for you:

That you might live. Truly live. That God will bless each of you with happiness and peace. That all of you needs will be met in abundance and that you might always know hope and purpose. Above all I pray that God makes His presence severely known to you and that each and every day you might walk in the grace of our God who knows and loves you just as you are.

I pray that you would not cave into despair and that old habits and patterns that seek to enslave you will one day bow to you and not have control over the quality of your life.

I pray that you would always have a support group, friends that stand closer than family, and that your own families would be a place of refuge for you.

Hang in there kiddo, the night doesn't last forever.

In closing, I want to repeat a few things that I often shared and truly believed.

1) Love God above all and make sure that you loves others the same as you love yourself. (That might mean you need to start loving yourself more)

2) Give more than you take, but never give with the intent of taking.

3) You are truly valuable and worthy of being loved, and therefore being heard.

4) Remember that life is short and there is but little time to gladden the hearts of those who travel with us. So be quick to love and make haste to be kind. And may the love and knowledge of Christ keep you in ever lasting light.

Grace and Peace,
Stephen

Welcome Aliens!

"Aliens! Come forth and be welcome among us!"

Now, I know what you're thinking...

"Good Lord...Stephen has lost it...he's over there asking for space invaders to come down from the stars. What a loon!'

I'm not talking about space aliens. I'm talking about the other kind of aliens. The human kind!

Lately, the United States has been in a bit of a tizzy about immigration. It's been quite a debacle and has only eased due to some distraction concerning statues. 

Sadly, many Christians have begun to pray against other nations and its peoples out of these same fears. We were called to love them, not abandon them. 

"The government needs to think of its citizens first! We have to take care of ourselves!"

The government does need to take care of its citizens. No doubt. We can not let, however, the care of American citizens lead to the negligence of the rest of humanity. God called us to the love and care of foreigners and immigrants.

"God wants us to prioritize our nation and her safety. Not immigrants!"

That's actually not true.

At her conception, the nation of Israel was commanded multiple times to accept the foreigner and treat them as if they were actually citizens. Don't believe me? 

Lev. 19: 33-34: "When a stranger resides with you in your land, you shall not do him wrong. The stranger who resides with you shall be to you as the native among you, and you shall love him as yourself, for you were aliens in the land of Egypt; I am the Lord your God." 

Lev. 23:22:" When you reap the harvest of your land, moreover, you shall not reap to the very corners of your field nor gather the gleaning of your harvest; you are to leave them for the needy and the alien. I am the Lord your God.”  

Deut. 10:16-20: "So circumcise your heart, and stiffen your neck no longer.  For the Lord your God is the God of gods and the Lord of lords, the great, the mighty, and the awesome God who does not show partiality nor take a bribe.  He executes justice for the orphan and the widow, and shows His love for the alien by giving him food and clothing.  So show your love for the alien, for you were aliens in the land of Egypt. You shall fear the Lord your God; you shall serve Him and cling to Him, and you shall swear by His name."

Later, Deuteronomy 24 repeats the same commandment from Leviticus 23 concerning harvesting. Then, in chapter 26, we see that living out these commandments gives glory to God and will be a form of testimony to the greatness of our God!

If this was expected of the land of Israel, how much even more so is it expected of us who are in Christ!

In Matthew 25, Christ gives a very clear image of this expectation when He states "for I was naked and you clothed Me. I was a stranger and you took me in."

Paul in his letter to Timothy, the book of Hebrews, and the Third letter of John all praise the actions of those who seek out strangers and the poor with the desire to serve and to shelter them. In fact, the New Testament that we ourselves are "foreigners living in a strange land."

As members of the Church, we are citizens of a nation that transcends the geopolitical borders of our secular governments, and we bear the responsibility and privilege of reaching out the nations in love and charity for the sake of the glory of God. It is the very Gospel by which we have been rescued out of darkness that compels us to "Go make disciples of all nations, baptizing them..."

We most certainly should not be naive or flippant in our approach to this issue, but we can't abandon those in need just because they are of the same nationality as pagans and terrorists. 

Let us stand together as the church, one nation under God, and show forth His love rather than let the enemy instill fear and hatred in our hearts to prevent the spreading of God's kingdom. 

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Resist the Dark

Some mornings I wake up feeling like I am drowning in unseen shadow. It's heavy and sticky like Savannah humidity, but it rests on the soul rather than the skin.

It's mornings like these when I ask God, "where are You? What is the purpose of all this?"

God never leaves me. He has proven that over and over. Logic stands that He never will either. Yet my gut says I'm alone and my thoughts follow suit. If I'm not careful, I'll wander in the fog for days.

Being a person who has wrestled with mental health for over half my life and has worked in the mental health field for three years, I have a great deal of experience. Which means that I, more than most, am aware of how little I know about how my brain works and how to heal my heart.

What I do know is that by remaining silent about my struggle and by not calling it for what it is, I am only hurting myself.

I often led my students to name their struggles. I wanted them to identify what they were feeling and thinking; to do everything they could to discern and anchor their emotions. To not hide their "ish."

I did this knowing how difficult it is to be honest with oneself, let alone another human. I'm right there with them. But I also know how much it needs to happen to experience change and growth. So I pushed them just as I push myself.

I'm never going to have all the answers, but I know that if we fight we will win.

You may be stuck right now. You might resonate with my words. Don't give up, love. Don't let darkness win. You're too valuable to be it's trophy.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen